So I just stayed up late last night (read: I got an hour of sleep... maybe) working on the bulk of a paper.

It's not like I hadn't done any work before this- most of the reading and the outline I had finished, but for some reason I find myself incapable of working on something intensively until the night BEFORE IT IS DUE. I honestly don't know what the fuck my problem is. If I could figure out the root, I would correct the problem. Every time I tell myself this is not going to happen again, every time I take a few steps to do a little bit more work before the night the paper is due, and EVERY TIME this doesn't seem to really mean anything.

Bobby was talking about how he had three pages of one paper done, two of another and both of the papers are due in a couple weeks. I expressed confusion at this. "How do you do that? I mean, how do you write a paper without finishing it?" There is some sort of state of being, some COMPULSION within me that makes it impossible for me to write papers in any way other than how I am accustomed to writing them. 

And apparently, this pattern of mine is so pronounced that Bobby and Matt have noticed and compiled a list of the the phases of my paper writing. Their observations and splitting up of the phases is so scarily accurate that I just HAD to post it here.  

 

 

Maria’s 13 Phases of Impending Doom

 

 

1)     Distraction

a.       Can last days

b.      Typical manifestations include hanging out with friends, Torchwood/Doctor Who, porn, and sleeping

 

2)     Denial

a.       “Its not gonna be that bad…this is just what I always do”

b.       “Oh shut up, you knew I wasn’t going to start it tonight”

 

3)     Compromise

a.       As the impending doom outpaces the denial, Maria turns to scheduling compromises to continue her procrastination

b.      “If I do nothing for a bit now…I’ll be able to dedicate myself wholly to this later tonight”

 

4)     Reassurance

a.       Doubt grows, causing the need for outsiders to validate and enable her bad behavior

b.      “This will totally work….right?....RIGHT?!?!”

 

5)     Not work Pre-work

a.       Typically a response to less than hearty reassurance by friends, Maria partakes of her own pointless self-reassurance through busywork

b.      Typical forms include: Fiddling w/ pre-existing outlines; Needless organizing and reorganizing of sources and tangible objects in reach; numerous re-readings of the essay prompt

 

6)     Nap

a.       Having assuaged her initial insecurities through fake productivity, a reward of sorts is in order

b.      This phase can occasionally be skipped if the Distraction/Denial phases involved sleeping past 2pm or numerous previous naps

 

7)     Frantic Bargaining and Rationing

a.       Fueled by guilt from procrastination, heightened if Nap phase was utilized, Maria begins to furiously calculate time rations and impossible self-imposed deadlines


"So if I write 200 words every 20 minutes for the next 2 hours, divide that by the expected word count and a slight increase in inertia, added to the amount of peer-pressure and minus the temperature in the computer lab, I should be able to finish the paper by 2:30." 
 

b.      A reward structure in the form of Pizza House or Egg a’ Muffins is usually used

 

 

 

 

8)     Epic Freakout

a.       Feeling of impending doom hits critical level, all previous reassurance or planning is negated

b.      “IIIIIII’MMMM GONNA KILL MYSELF…I’m GOING to KILL myself”

c.       A mild amount of haphazard actual work is completed, though accompanied with much cursing and assurances to those surrounding here that her writing is “a pile of shit”

 

9)     Nap Round 2: An Exercise in Futility

a.       In an attempt to calm nerves, Maria is inexplicably convinced that a 15 min nap on her keyboard will make all of her problems go away

b.      This nap will be cut short, sometimes even under 1 min, as panic overrides her natural instinct to nap

Example: "I'm just going to take a short nap and then I'll work from 2:00 am until Pizza House gets here." *Head down* *Two second pause* "AGGGH! I can't do this!" *Resumes frantic not work pre-work*

 

10)                        Epic Freakout Round 2

a.       Similar to Round 1, but typically with the addition of tense snapping at those around her.

b.      Will last until arrival of food

 

11)                        Zombie Like Productivity

a.       Pretty Self Explanatory

b.      Cannot begin before 2am, but can last 4-8 hrs

 

12)                        Victory

a.       Maximum of 2 hrs prior to time assignment due, typically much less

b.      Accompanied by phrases like “I am a BAMF!” and "My sentence structure PWNS."

 

13)                        Denial Round 2

a.       The essential phase which continues the cycle of procrastination

b.      “That wasn’t so bad”

 

Last night was the third time in as many weeks that the phases were enacted. Honestly, I'll stop doing it when it stops being so damn amusing. Because it really kind of is.