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b4 | l8er

So about internet trolls...

Two posts in one day! This is unprecedented.

So I made a post on craigslist, because I am lonely and I want friends in Midland and I haven't been laid in 8 months (Not complaining, per se. Just sayin'. DON'T JUDGE ME!!! XD). In my post I made ONE passing mention of how "gun-toting republicans need not apply." Because I hate them. *shrugs* As do a lot of people.

I started clapping and giggling when I got THIS response to my ad in my inbox:

I don't want to ever meet you, I just wanted to make a comment about your post. It is kind of funny how near the end you say that you don't want "gun-toting republicans" to write to you unless they respect other people's beliefs and are moderately intelligent, when you obviously are the opposite of both. If you really think about it in depth, liberals are actually the ones in this country that don't respect other people's beliefs. Republicans don't really care who posts what messages anywhere or what kind of religious symbolism gets put up, as long as it is legal, and doesn't actually harm anyone. However, on the other side, Democrats don't mind, unless it is Christian, then it needs to be taken down because it could be offensive, even though other religions never claim it to be. Just for clarification, I am an atheist so it isn't a religious problem for me, it is a problem with trampling on other people's rights. I bet that you probably don't even know the actual differences between Democrats and Republicans besides the few main stream issues that are on the news everyday, and you probably only side with the Democrats because you only watch CNN or get your news from The Daily Show. But, if more people did actual research, even if they came to the same liberal conclusions, then I would have much more respect for Democrats than I do now.

Disclaimer: I know what you are probably thinking right now, and no, I don't watch just Fox News, I don't like how they show mainly one side, but pretty much all the other stations only show one side as well. And, no, I don't own a single gun, I am actually in favor of stricter gun control, and getting guns off the streets. And, yes, I believe that I am fairly intelligent, I am currently in medical school. But I am definitely against any form of public option of medicine because it will undermine the current health care system, causing a mass influx of patients into hospitals and doctor's offices causing patients with real problems to not get adequate care, which will in turn push many doctors away from practicing in the US just making the problem worse.

What. The. Fuck.

Of course, I was bored. So I wrote a response. Obviously, there was no taking this guy seriously, so I wrote this:


"Children, gather round," Old Reginald Haberdasher said, wiping the sweat from his brow. "I have a tale to tell you, a tale of a man who tried to change the world. His name was Scott."

"Is this going to be a long story?" little Susie asked, mouth quirked in disapproval, for well she knew of Old Reginald's long-winded stories.

"Hush, child," Old Reginald said. "Let me begin. This man, Scott, also known fondly as michigan_guy@live.com, spent his days worrying. He worried about the state of the world. He knew everyone in the world was stupider than him. He felt it was his duty to tell everyone the correct way to form their views, which involved the foisting of his own upon them, because he was so very intelligent. You see, he went to medical school."

Old Reginald Haberdasher paused dramatically as the children "oo'ed" and "ahhh'ed" in wonderment.

"Since it is very difficult to get into medical school, as we all know-"

"My cousin Bobby got into med school, and he was a 3.0 biology major-" Susie grumbled. She silenced herself at a glare from Old Reginald.

"Scott felt it was his duty to awake all the fools from their dogmatic slumber. Since Scott was a man of great vision, he understood that the world obviously works in absolutes and opposites. If someone didn't like heights, he knew they must love the depths of the ocean. If someone didn't like the color black, he knew they must love the color white. If someone didn't like Republicans, he knew they must be a liberal Democrat-

"What if they weren't liberal or conservative, but moderate? Aren't there other political parties than that? What if someone were a Libertarian, or a member of the Green Party-" Susie began.

"Hush, child," Old Reginald said. "Anyway, as Scott obviously had an intimate understanding of how the world worked, he took it upon himself to force this knowledge upon others. Now, he did this in a very intelligent, somewhat unconventional way. He trolled internet postings looking for casual sex, and with his great wisdom he searched for any passing mention of politics. He would then refute this passing mention after building up an idea of what he assumed the passing mention was arguing for- he created a straw man, if you will- and then valiantly destroyed the straw man argument with great vigor and bravery. Often, he would use gross generalizations about the person he was attacking (who he knew nothing of besides what he had gleaned from the posting, dear children) and make assumptions about certain movements and ideals with no evidence to support himself, though he professed that fact-checking was the only way one could be sure of something.

No one would believe him when he spoke of his own intelligence, even though we know, children, that the most intelligent people have to point out their own intelligence to others instead of proving it by their actions. And we all know that intelligent people spend their time trolling on craigslist, though many are too weak or foolish to do so. Though it was an obviously brilliant effort on his part, to this day, no one is completely sure why he felt so called to argue with craigslist posts. Perhaps it has something to do with the time he was seen screaming emotionally into the air one chilly autumn night,
'I AM SIGNIFICANT! 'I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD ONE CRAIGSLIST POST AT A TIME!' And then a shining tear rolled down his cheek, for he was very lonely in his intelligence."

The children began to sniffle. Susie rolled her eyes.

He did not care that the vast majority of craigslist posters were apathetic about what he said," Old Reginald continued. "He did not care that many who read his responses got a good chuckle out of it before mocking at great length what they mistakenly saw as his idiocy. He was a man of great vision. He was a man of great strength. He was a man of great intelligence. He was a man with apparently, an oddly large amount of time on his hands, considering he was also going to medical school. But his existential and political angst would not be silenced."

"What happened to him?" little Tommy asked. Old Reginald regarded the young boy solemnly.

"One day, during a practice run at medical school, a tragedy occurred. Our valiant warrior for truth, through no fault of his own, accidentally aborted himself instead of the fetus. Let his tale live on in your hearts, children. Let his tale live on forever."

Silence gripped the room. Susie turned to little Tommy.

"Want to go get ice cream?" she asked.

There was a mad, scrambling rush for the door, and Old Reginald was left to smile after them, alone.



I'll let you guys know if he replies.


( 11 people are enabling me — Reaffirm my pathetic existence )
Oct. 8th, 2009 04:53 am (UTC)
Oh my god I hope he does.
Oct. 8th, 2009 05:17 am (UTC)
Oct. 8th, 2009 06:18 am (UTC)
That just made my night.

* Side note, you don't need a craigslist posting. Go with a free dating sight, i figure its a little safer although you are looking around in midland which is scary enough.

Good luck :)
Oct. 8th, 2009 06:55 am (UTC)
Meh, I've actually had more luck in the past with craigslist than I have with sites like OKCupid and the like. I actually dated a guy for 14 months that I met off of craigslist. Crazy sauce. :D

I have mace in my purse. No worries.
Oct. 8th, 2009 08:03 am (UTC)
Please stop posting things that are so funny. You keep making me late for work.

That is all.

Oct. 8th, 2009 05:21 pm (UTC)
I AM SORRY. Just wait until you get to work to read. Problem solved. :D
Oct. 8th, 2009 10:01 am (UTC)
I am moving to the midlands, marrying you and having your babies. Not only do I love your reply, I am so glad that you shared it with us!

* hands over home made apple muffins
Oct. 8th, 2009 05:24 pm (UTC)
PLEASE DO. We will make beautiful babies. :D

Oct. 8th, 2009 05:10 pm (UTC)
Bravo! That was brilliant!
Oct. 8th, 2009 05:24 pm (UTC)
Glad you enjoyed! :D
Nov. 12th, 2010 03:12 am (UTC)
oh that was beautiful. I enjoyed that story so much :)
( 11 people are enabling me — Reaffirm my pathetic existence )


o rly?
lover of muffins and one-legged puppies

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