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My Grandparents Are Insane.

This past weekend was my niece's first birthday. My brother, sister in law, niece and older sister all came up from Chicago and Milwaukee (respectively) and we had a shindig. With lots of babies. Now, you all know how I feel about babies. Luckily, Madeleine (my niece) is exempt from the utter terror and disgust that overtakes me when dealing with children under the age of four. Unluckily, as if the other babies who I AM terrified of weren't enough, my grandparents on my mothers side were drawn, as they necessarily are, to the gathering of babies like hysterical teenage girls are drawn to a Jonas Brothers concert. For people as crazily conservative and Catholic as my grandparents, babies are what it's all about- innocence, the miracle of life, the embodiment of God's plan for all of us, the beauty that survives in spite of the terrible fact that abortion is legal, fresh little minds to brainwash through Catechism classes and mass every Sunday. Ah, the fresh smell of babies in the morning...

Additionally, I was on Grandma-distracting duty, as Jenny was at the party, and I had to keep the crazy away from her or she may have had an episode, albeit with good reason. This is because Grandma and Grandpa stole Jenny's Obama signs out of the front yard, treating her as if she was a two year old playing with an inappropriate and dangerous toy (think a bottle of drain-cleaner) instead of the 25 year old woman that she is, then wrote letters to her comparing her to Hitler when she requested that they give her signs back or reimburse her for them... needless to say, Jenny and the grandparents haven't spoken since then. So it was up to me to waylay the grandparents before they had a chance to speak with Jenny, or something bad was gonna happen.

When I first began talking to grandma, I knew we were in for a bad run.

"So what are you doing with yourself, Maria? I heard you took the LSAT?" 

"Yeah, I get my results back next Saturday."

"Well, I hope you do well. You know we need more pro-life lawyers."

"Ah... yeah, well, that's not really gonna be what I want to go into. I'm looking to do civil rights law."

"Well, what civil right is more important than the right to life? You know, those liberal law makers are still using Roe v. Wade to justify genocide, and the people left with a conscience are few and far between. Our country has really gone downhill."

"Yeah... sure."

She went on in that area of ranting, until we started talking about school. She asked me what my minor had been in. I told her Japanese and Chinese literature. BIIIIIIG mistake.

"Well, you know, that one child policy in China, it's just terrible. Women are being dragged to have forced abortions."

"Well, yeah, in the 80s that was happening. Currently, though, it's not strictly enforced, especially in rural areas. And the only thing that happens if you have more than one child is you get slapped with a fine. Plus, a 2008 study by the Pew Research Center estimated 75% of the population supports the policy."

"Those are all just lies being told to you by the liberal media."

"Umm... pretty sure I got them out of text-books. And friends in my classes who were Chinese exchange students."

"Maria, you can't believe them. They've been brain washed by the communist government. That's what all communist and socialist governments do, they rule their people with an iron fist."

"Not in France. Really, the most controlling governments are more fascist governments that are communist in name only. The actual theory of communism and socialism is quite different."

"No, no, no. Where are you hearing these things? It's just sad. You know, Augestine Cheffler, your grandpa's ancestor, he was a saint you know. He went to Vietnam and China, and spread the religion, by teaching them their ABCs and English- it just caught on like wildfire, but then there were those war lords who didn't want anything to do with it, and they're the one's who eventually beheaded him. Of course, the western ideals Cheffler brought them helped thousands and they still are trying to break through today."

"Because of course, western ideology has a right to go in and wipe out indigenous language and culture, all because we know how to do it BETTER, even though China had written language and paper 2000 years earlier than Europeans, who were still crawling around in the mud. And you know, they should be GRATEFUL that we destroyed their culture and brought diseases and overbearing arrogance, imperialism, and a condescending disrespect for their silly, savage ways."

"Well, exactly. I have some literature on the subject, articles you know, written by some wonderfully devout priests. You should come over and I'll lend them to you."


This woman is insane. Any conversation you try to have, she somehow turns it back to abortion and religion. She's racist, ignorant, selfish, and compulsive. It makes me want to disassociate myself with that side of the family.

If I ever get that insane in my old age, I urge people to take me out behind the barn and put me out of my misery. I don't get how anyone can live like that. Graaaah.

EDIT: When I talk to my grandparents, I feel like comedian Maria Bamford in this soundbite.




( 20 people are enabling me — Reaffirm my pathetic existence )
Oct. 15th, 2009 09:14 pm (UTC)
Dude China invented EVERYTHING. They were so fucking badarse. The whole classical world was really quite insanely advanced in a lot of ways and then the Middle Ages fucked everything up.
Oct. 15th, 2009 10:38 pm (UTC)
I AGREE. Hahaha- I'm sitting around reading Mencius in my classes who was writing about brotherly love and the innate goodness of man 300 years before Jesus was even BORN. They had fireworks and the beginnings of rocket technology in the 12th century. FIREARMS when we were still killing each other with rocks and swords. Just... we can't even fucking talk. XD
Oct. 15th, 2009 09:36 pm (UTC)
so this is random but i read this right after my roommate said something to me. they're semi related so i though i'd share - mostly because i want to vent a tiny bit. she was like "i love brandi carlile but i sure don't agree with her lifestyle. she is a lesbian, right?"


the end.
Oct. 15th, 2009 10:43 pm (UTC)
omg. I've been arguing with my mom recently about the homosexual "lifestyle", which, in my opinion, is just a buzz term used by the right wing to demonize a minority. As far as I know, there is no homosexual "lifestyle"- there's just people- people who are either promiscuous and do drugs or don't. Their sexuality has NOTHING to do with it. I know tons of straight people who are way sluttier and drug addicted than many of my gay friends. Can we please, as a culture, move on? THE GAY LIFESTYLE DOES NOT EXIST. GET OVER YOURSELF, YOU CRAZY CHRISTIANS.

Hahaha- glad you feel safe to vent here. I suppose I do too. That's what LJ's all about. :D
Oct. 15th, 2009 10:50 pm (UTC)
Exactly! AIDS and promiscuity aside, if she just means "woman sleeping with another woman" when she says "lifestyle," how does the word "agree" even make any sense anywhere near there? I get that she just want to join them but seriously, like, if Brandi Carlile walked up to her and said, "you're straight, right? well I don't agree with that." What would she do? It just plain doesn't make any freaking sense!! like you said, there is no lifestyle - there are just people. Gay and straight is the same thing - it's sexuality. The word lifestyle is the buzzword that encourages people to think of it as a choice.
Oct. 15th, 2009 11:57 pm (UTC)
I KNOW. Additionally- the highest at-risk group for AIDS right now is straight black women, and there hasn't been ONE case of AIDS being contracted during lesbian sex. Your roommate sounds like an idiot, if you don't mind my saying.

And lolz, I'm gonna go around saying, "I don't agree with the straight lifestyle," from now on. Hahaha. :D
Oct. 16th, 2009 12:04 am (UTC)
ever notice anyone using the word "lifestyle" is either a homophobe or trying to sell you something?
(If I had a family like yours I'd be in an insane asylum now)
Oct. 16th, 2009 12:19 am (UTC)
Most of my family isn't that bad- it's just my mom's side. I love the rest of em. Trust me, I would be totally batty if all my family was like that. Hahahaha. :D
Oct. 16th, 2009 03:04 am (UTC)
Oh I don't mind you saying that at all. She is a total idiot. I swear, I think that casual homophobia has become an accepted Christian hobby. I have other roommates thankfully so I have a buffer zone. I think that we should try to spread that around, it will catch on for sure - "I don't agree with the straight lifestyle." Awesome.
Oct. 16th, 2009 03:18 am (UTC)
Maybe we should say "heterosexual lifestyle" instead of straight? It might mirror it better. also: "I think that casual homophobia has become an accepted Christian hobby," is the best line EVER. You are a genius.
Oct. 16th, 2009 03:25 am (UTC)
Haha thanks. I am surrounded by these so called "christians" who have the hobby. I also know that there are tons of christians who don't so the ones that do have no excuse. I think you're right, heterosexual lifestyle is better but some people have a hard time with big, multi-syllabic words like "heterosexual" and "bigoted," you know.
Oct. 15th, 2009 10:20 pm (UTC)
Glad I stayed in Milwaukee. Haha. Dodged THAT bullet... When are they going to Florida?
Oct. 15th, 2009 10:43 pm (UTC)
The real question is, when are they going to die?

...That was awful of me.

........I still kind of mean it.
Oct. 15th, 2009 11:33 pm (UTC)
Nah, the "When are they going to die?" is a valid question. Thank you for protecting me from clawing their eyes out. I wouldn't do well in prison.

And it is spelled Augustin Schoeffler. I did the wikipedia page on him! :-D http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Augustin_Schoeffler
Oct. 15th, 2009 11:59 pm (UTC)
You're welcome. Icon!love. And I really don't care if I misspelled it. Just like I really don't care if they're related to him. It doesn't make them any less abhorrent to me. The fact that they keep harping on about how they're related to him only makes me hate them more. :)
Oct. 16th, 2009 12:56 am (UTC)
HAHAHAHAHA omg that sounds like my Grandma.

Last time I was home, my Grandma just wanted to let me know that she saw women wearing hijabs and she thought it was wrong.
And then she told me how amazing Glenn Beck/Bill O'Reilly/Rush Limbaugh are.

Oct. 16th, 2009 03:15 am (UTC)
Oct. 16th, 2009 02:11 am (UTC)
Yeah, this is why I'm glad we didn't go this weekend. Haha... I would probably end up screaming or crying or... curling up into the fetal position in the corner and rocking back and forth.

Oct. 16th, 2009 03:16 am (UTC)
Yeah. It was pretty great.
Oct. 16th, 2009 12:23 pm (UTC)
grand pas
baby every one in your family is different, and is not they fault is the way that were raising. all of us have in our families a lot relatives who think they know much better, but they love you in a odd way. and you can blame then because it was not entirely is fault, they were raising in an difficult, paranoid way, with to much afraid to change.
( 20 people are enabling me — Reaffirm my pathetic existence )


o rly?
lover of muffins and one-legged puppies

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